Eight, eight, I forget what eight was for....

I like talking about myself. I don't know why.
Why does anyone like talking about themselves? It just makes sense. What do you know better than yourself? Probably a lot of things actually.

I get big ideas a lot. They usually go nowhere. This often bothers me because I feel like I'm wasting something. Maybe I'm just a conceptualist, churning out ideas and, well, concepts for someone else to do something with.

I hate when I'm wrong. I hate when someone else is right. It makes me anxious.
I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I have ocd tendencies. Not too many, just enough.
I'm detail oriented. I have to know every minute little factor.
I take things personally. Much more than I should. I'm very aware of this.
When I was a kid I wanted to be a robot because I thought robots were purely logical.
I still believe that logic trumps emotion, and emotions are innately irrational.
I hate not knowing everything.
I make bad decisions on purpose sometimes.
I like feeling bad, as weird as that sounds. You have to feel the same way to get it, I think.
I have paranoia issues at times.
I think constantly. My brain never stops.

I once tried being spontaneous. It was a great idea at the time, but it failed me miserably. I probably won't do that again.

A rare piece.

The Anti-Student Manifesto

or, an obligatory cascade of intelligence and rhetoric against the established system of life and learning in America

I often struggle with coming to grips with the reason I'm in school. I am not a good student, as in I'm not good at learning what someone wants me to learn, as they want me to, but I love learning. If I were to list my great passions in life, learning would be at the top, solidified by a need to not only know but understand. My thirst for knowledge and understanding is almost insatiable, but it doesn't necessarily fit in with the actual experience of being educated. Learning can occur anywhere at any time, it can deal with any topic and any school of thought regarding that topic. There are so many different variations of the same theories and so many different explanations for any given observation, how can any singular theory be taught as the definitive one? The point is: why is such emphasis put on attending lectures, passing exams, and getting a degree, when in reality the amount of learning, and the sheer breadth of the knowledge accumulated, is often dwarfed by that of learning autodidactically?

I may not be a very good student, but that isn't what I am in school to do. I'm here to accumulate knowledge and understanding, even if it is somewhat limited. So regardless of how I fare in my courses, I commit myself to the pursuit of knowledge. Being a successful student is not an end, it will not fulfill my life. Getting a degree is not an end. Getting a well-paying job and having a large house and a comfortable life, these are not ends. Even learning, my great love is not an end. But learning does get me closer to what I believe to be an end, which is contributing to humanity and somehow taking part in bettering the condition of human existence. This is an end, and one that I stand behind wholly. Contributions to philosophy, or art, or science, or politics can all be used to effect the whole of humanity and have the potential to make life easier, if only by shedding a little more light on the mysteries of life. Do not be motivated by materialism or greed, or even the need to go along with life as others go. Ask: Why am I doing whatever it is that I do? What is my motivation?

And yet maybe only certain people can lead this sort of life. I really can't say that I believe everyone could, or should, do as I wish to do. Do what you want. Live as you please, as I will certainly do. Follow your passions with as much vigor as I try to pursue mine. Maybe that is really the key.

Three Cheers for Misery!

I am an avidly (sometimes rabidly?) anti-spring, but I have been enjoying the weather. Spring means pollen, which means ceaseless sinus problems. Despite this I have been spending a lot of time outside and haven't felt the effects yet; great weather for reading out. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

I encourage all to read outside at least once a week. It vitalizes mind and body.

Photocopied.

I fell in love with an idea, but that idea was fake. So I went to the idea, just to make sure, but it wasn't there. All I found was an impostor claiming to be the idea, but I knew the truth. The idea never existed. I created the idea and the idea left me with time and distance.

I remember acoustic guitars and bells, I remember the cathedral.

Warm summer days and cloud watching descend into a dark and fearful madness despite my protests, and I cannot pull her out. She wants to stay. Shallow shells hide inner frailty and superficial paths mislead.

The Beach is Overrated.

My spring break begins tomorrow. Actually, one could say that it began at 10:30 am on Friday, but let's not get technical.
I have big plans; big for me at least.

Tomorrow (Monday) I go to Auburn to visit a great friend of mine. I haven't seen her in quite a while, and have never been to Auburn, so I think it's about time to go. I'm not sure what we will do, but it will most likely involve coffee, books, and cynical expressions like, "...but what's the point anyway?" I love talking to her.

Tuesday is an open day. Subject to change without notice at any time according to my own discretion.

Wednesday will be interesting. I will have a cabin-ish house at my disposal until Thursday. C.fox is the guest of honour. I am visualizing outdoor grilling, cards, music, and arthouse films. Subject to change.

Thursday is also open, depending on the events of Tuesday. Possibly a free day, possibly obligatory family time.

Friday will be hard for me because I forgot to ask off from work. I will go from a week of freedom and enjoyment to a night of work and misery.

Saturday... More work, then Legacy yard party. Should be enjoyable.

Sunday... take a guess. Work. Back to the house. Preparing for the coming week. Back to groundhog week.

Why am I itemizing my week? I have no idea.
In other news, there is no news. Good night and good luck.

Michael fails international charades, learns about McDoanld's menu.

A short Hispanic man with a horses mane mohawk came into work holding a wad of cash. He timidly approached the counter and I, out of habit, said "How are you doing tonight?" although I say it more as an obligatory statement than an actual question symbolizing an interest in someone's life.
He nodded and stated his mission: "et pis chicken".
"I'm sorry. What?" I said.
"Et pis chicken" he persisted, this time gesturing with his hands.
"I...uh. I don't know what you're saying."
"Chicken"
"Yes, right. Chicken. I get that. You want chicken wra...er, sandwich?" I ask, uselessly trying to use my hands to symbolize a wrap.
"No! Chicken. Et pis chicken. Chicken breast." he retorts, gesturing to his chest area and seeming quite agitated.
"Um, sir, we don't have chicken breast. We make sandwiches."
"Turkey?"
"Yes, we have turkey."
"Okay. Turkey."
I was finally feeling like progress was being made until he gestured the shape of a whole turkey, dinner sized.
"We don't do that. We have sandwiches. Wraps. No big turkey."
"Oohhhh. Ohh. Okay. Give me number five."
"Uhh..err. We don't..."
"Number five," motioning to the menu board.
"Sir, we do not serve numbered combination meals at this eating establishment. I cannot help you. There is not number five.
-a blank stare-
"Uhhh... Okay then. Sorry then. Good bye."

My coworker later informed me that a number five is some kind of chicken meal at McDonald's .
Also later it dawned on me that "et pis" was supposed to be "eight piece" and the poor man just wanted a fried chicken dinner. Not like I could have given him one anyway though.

Moral of the story: learn to say no and act condescendingly when you have no idea what someone wants. They will (hopefully) just walk away frustrated.

Just Registration, No Title

Motivation is derived from a motive. Motive is the drive behind an action that dictates a choice. Choice is relative to the perceived options and the real options. The given solution set does not always contain the real solution.

Motive dictates the options that are presented.

Motive dictates the decision that must be made in dealing with given solutions and real solutions.

Motive vs. Motive
Agenda vs. Agenda
Will vs. Will

My agenda is what motivates me. Whatever the agenda may be, good or bad (in your perception, that is), it is what compels me into action. This is also known as ambition.

Ambition, as we all know, can be a very effective tool in achieving goals, but it can quickly go sour. Always keep ambitions in check; always know your goals, check the motive. If it offends or harms another, if it violates the natural laws of life, love, and being, ambition has become selfish. If someone else must be suppressed or cut down, chances are it is a selfish means to a corrupt end.

As soon as the means becomes subjective to the end, when self becomes the only goal, the only focus, it must be stopped. When ambition leads to a disregard of others or society, it is corrupt through and through.